Cheese

The One

What’s really the point of blogging? Do you really have to write something meaningful for it to be worth it? Does writing how you feel be a sensible and yet significant anecdote/article? Do people have to react to it? Do poems and lyrics of songs made by other people really count as an entry? Is writing a synopsis or reaction paper to a movie/book/song count? Would you really take time to read other people’s blogs? What does it all mean? Questions, questions and more questions possibly come to mind but I don’t know if it’s all answerable (if there is such a word). Heck, I don’t even know why I’m writing this. Ok, maybe I do know.

I just love to say my mind and not even caring then later regret it. Quite the dilemma for someone who thinks he has no regrets in life. Ok, again, maybe I do have one regret.

I do regret not taking time to appreciate more the best thing that happened to me when it was there for me. Maybe I could have just made her feel more important. Maybe I could have helped her in any and every way that I can. Maybe I could have been a better guy than the jackass I was or still am today. I guess it doesn’t matter that much anymore. Now, I can only dream of that opportunity coming back to me… sigh.

Homecoming

Please bear with my verb tenses here. I wrote this around 3 months back but I still have the same sentiments…

Another four weeks has passed so here I am back at home again. Not that much of a tiring hitch but it still was work. Twelve hour work shifts but basically awake for seventeen hours a day does take a toll on the body. Fortunately my last 2 weeks weren’t that hectic but I still had to be on my toes every time. My daily work routine was more or less making 2 reports every day, being aware of the operations, and not to mention keeping a close eye on the things we should be monitoring. All that was to be done all by myself as we were doing one man shifts. Really a lot to do for a newbie (?) like me. So I guess I’m happy and relieved to be back. Or maybe just relieved.

I seem to have lost my resolve in returning. I feel like I don’t have anything to come back to. My logic (I believe I have my own as I usually think differently from others) tells me that there is my family and friends there waiting (? again) for me so that’s a big reason enough. But quite honestly, I don’t feel that longing I normally feel after being away for more than 2 weeks. Maybe I just got used to working overseas that’s why I’m feeling this way. Maybe it’s because I had an internet connection at work that’s why I didn’t feel that disconnected and distant. Maybe I was enjoying my work. A lot of possible reasons are right in front of me but it all doesn’t seem right to me except one. Call me dramatic and/or masochistic, but I do think the aimlessness of my life so far is the reason behind it.

Before, I had this one major step that would direct me to the next part of my life. But now, my perceived reality is telling me that that first step isn’t for me anymore so that’s why I don’t know now what I should be doing now. This live for the moment crap is really overrated as I do still believe in at least planning ahead at least your first few steps in everything. So that brings me to my dilemma right now. Should I stay or should I go? (darling you really got to let me know)

My Stupid Self

I’m gonna cut to the chase here. Having my ass on the line in my last assignment made me get to think of the dumbest things I’ve done, by my own, in my entire life. Maybe I’m just a sucker for pain but I’m going share it all with you, who ever you are that is most probably bored out of your mind and has really got nothing else better to do or those who are actually slightly intrigued in my life. I’m betting it’s the former. Anyway, let me enumerate them to you, but they’re not specifically in order of degree of stupidity or utter humiliation to me…

1)    I once tripped and dropped a ciborium full of ostias in the middle of a priest’s homily coz I misunderstood a simple instruction of the sacristan mayor. Talk about being embarrassed till you grow pale-faced…

2)   Actually choosing to concentrate more on Warcraft III: Frozen Throne™ than having a meaningful conversation with somebody who was trying to talk to me. And to think the reason I played that game that summer afternoon with her and our common friends was that so I could spend some time with her. Talk about setting your priorities!

P.S. To top it all of, I remember we still lost the game even though my other friends weren’t that good then and I was teamed up with her at that time. Needless to say nothing good came out of that day…

3)   Drinking until I got piss-faced in a popular “hangout spot” in my university’s premises just so I could be “happy” even for a while. I got so hammered that night that I slept in one of the empty tables there (not on top of the table, just to make it clear) and actually puked under it in my half-sleep. I still clearly remember doing it but I never minded or even hesitated to do it at that time as I knew I was really too drunk then. After that night, I promised myself I’ll never put myself in that situation again. I hope I can keep that promise, for my sake.

4)   Calling up a girl I really liked and told her a bit of what I felt about her just because of another girl’s prodding. Without thinking it through and clearly first, I basically jumped the gun and just made a fool out of myself that night.

I can’t recall anything more “special” right now but that doesn’t mean I have no more embarrassing and stupid moments to share with you. So I will continue this list some other time…

A Farewell Letter For No One

"I do think she's avoiding me so it best for her for me to just walk away..." Famous last words of a moron wishing there was miracle bound to happen somewhere for him. Imagine this guy actually thought he had some small chance and that maybe, just maybe, a "fairy tale happy ending" was meant to be a part of this chapter in his life. Some short (generally less than an hour) and unmeaningful talks in a span of more than three years were all they had as quality time and this actually gave him all the crazy idea in the world to keep on holding on. I'd give it to the guy, he did try (I do have a soft spot for the hopeless romantic) his best to have more quality time though the girl was really busy with her academic studies. Not wanting to be a roadblock, hindrance, and/or a major opposition to her dreams, he was trying not be much of a pest to her (but I think he still was). Okay, maybe he wasn't the best possible catch but he was kind. (Hehehe, I was trying to think of a compliment for him but I came out with nothing so I just used the line from a joke. Do you know the one where a group of friends was asking their buddy if his new girlfriend was beautiful but he'd reply she was kind. Then they ask him if she's sexy, again he'd reply she was kind. Ok, maybe that wasn't that funny.)

Now, this poor guy I'm talking about is thinking of all the opportunities he missed with his dream girl for the past 3 years. All the time they were together for one semester, never noticing he was slowly falling hard for her. Never realizing what he was looking and waiting for was right in front of him then. It never passed through his mind that he'd never actually be this close to her again as they were then. Another painful reminder for him about the old adage "You'd only know how much important something is once its gone".

Ever since then he's wishing he seized and made the best out of all the time they were together. All this could possibly be his greatest regret in life, though he's been trying to live by his word that he has no regrets in his young life. Maybe she'd be able to read this so he has a message for her. Thank you for all the patience you had for him and I really wish you'd reach your dreams because you really deserve to have it all come true. Goodbye and good luck my angel on earth.

Who knows, maybe this idiotic guy would be fine in the future. But for now, misery and loneliness are my companions.

When Dreams Have Come

I've always wondered when I was young what would my life be like after I graduate from college. Analysing myself now, it's pretty much a letdown if you ask me. Not that I had very big dreams for myself but I expected at least from my "future-self" then that I'd be very much satisfied and happy by now. Way to go smartass, I managed to disappoint myself though I actually am not doing bad for a 22 year old. And yeah, you read it correctly. I accept I'm not young anymore and I'm no longer a teenager though it never was a big issue for me.

I know almost everybody had big goals/aspirations when they're young but I could honestly say I didn't have any. You may laugh at this especially those of you who had those doctor/lawyer/policeman or whatever dreams (or worse, those who are actually following their dream now!) but I never had any delusions about any of those careers. I don't know, maybe the easily contented/happy persona (another term for underachieving) I have I already learnt/acquired ever since I was a baby. Hehehe, rationalizing bad traits really is amusing.

Priorities are also a big part of what makes you what you currently are and ever since I was a freshman in high school, I guess I never had a solid goal for myself. Add that to the fact that also about the same time I haven't been feeling complete as I used to feel. Maybe it's what everybody says what all adolescents go through, the process of finding and defining one's self. But since then, I think I never found the right answers/solutions to what I was puzzled about myself. The great mysteries of life that I was aware of then (probably none at all) was just increased as I grew (ok, ok, maybe I just advanced in age) up and made my life more complicated as it was before. The big problem with me is I'm quite a creature of habit that once I get used to doing something this way and it works, I'd probably never stop to think about it if there is another way to do it. It is a whole different story with regards to newly introduced procedures to me as I normally hold back in taking it without any hesitations. As so, I had this feeling of contentment (if there is such a word) and that maybe if I just stayed and did what I've always done, be consistent as they say, everything will turn out ok. Turns out everything turned out fine but a big void in my life was still haunting me everyday that I wasn't distracted from it. Maybe I was "sub-consciously" keeping myself busy so that this empty feeling I had wasn't going to be much of a problem but it just wasn't enough. I still felt the incompleteness (if there is such a word) everytime I was alone. Ironic as it may sound, everyone still has to spend time by his/her lonesome and this type of moments are when I typically asses(?) or analyze myself (nyahahaha, all that analysis and ths is what I've only got to show for). Though it has been so far not that productive/effective, I still continue to do this day in and day out. Really logical ain't it?

A bit out of topic (as has been my "trademark" in writing) but I guess I owe everybody an explanation as to why I write stuff like this. I myself don't know why but I think I write this "opinions about anything" just as a way of voicing out myself though as most of you know, I never hesitate on doing most of the time. So I guess I'm just doing what I'd naturally do instead of writing mushy love poems and/or funny anecdotes.Though I also suck at trying to write those things.

Disclaimer: again forgive me for my erroneous writing but I believe this is the best that I can do with my limited language/grammar skills. Till next time...

The Things People Do...

Another day, another day. That basically sums up the past few days here. Though we did some work, it really feels right now there aint much progress. On the flip side, I did got some confirmation just last night that I still exist. (hehe, it some inside joke that I'm the only who knows it). So much for my "sanity". Anyway, back to regular blabbering.

Work is work. I believe everybody knows that. But it sometimes it really gets to a point that you feel that there's not much sense to what you're doing. You ain't actually enjoying your life as you think it would be, unless you're some lucky bloke that actually does love 100% his career/job. The saving grace about my job is that I actually get to go back home every month and spend a couple (by this I mean 1 or 2) of weeks vacation, especially my salary. hehe. I ain't really the type of person who likes much paper work and so far I've been doing some so I'm quite suprised personally that I'm beginning to really like this job. Plus I get to meet different people (just like the BS I usually say for interviews) and learn a lot from them, not just their knowledge about the job but also sometimes their culture and maybe personal life. Plus I get to go, wait let me rephrase that, should be going to different places/countries so I can enjoy the different sights and sounds not to mention the pollution of different countries. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining I've been only here to Malaysia. I'm actually loving the place and it's making me think to maybe live here in the future. Obviously the practice that almost everything I spend here I can charge back to my company is definitely strong factor in this idea of mine. hehehe.

To summarize this web log, I'm really quite bored this past few hours so that is the main reason you had to endure reading (if ever you did read this whole) my rantings and opinions of anything I was able to type in. I appreciate your effort and hope I actually get some feedback coz it's really depressing writing/talking to myself. hehehe

P.S. The picture inserted in this blog is about the cable cars going to/from Genting Highlands in Malaysia. Forgive my low technology behavior as I'm really amused with these things. I actually have more than 5 pics in my limited-memory phone. We have a saying in the Philippines "... walang ganyan sa bundok namin eh... "

The O.C. blog

Stalking might be a better term for it but I guess that's an understatement or exaggeration, depending on which way you look at it. I never actually see clearly the limits of decency when I'm the one who's on one end. Quite obvious which end, right? No surprise there.

Miss calling (if that is a proper and actual name for it) every hour, txting (forgive my generation/countrymen/women for making up such horrible grammar and spelling sentences just to save a peso) 3 times a day if possible and calling up her house almost every other night. Logging on the net whenever I can just to check my account if there’s a reply message from her, while also opening my YM account wishing she was also online at that moment too. Not to mention checking her profile and see when she last checked hers. I’ve quite become the guy most girls fear.

Sigh, I miss the good old days I wasn’t this obsessed completely. One thing is going for me though. Fortunately it has been a blessing that I’m working in a place where there’s no cellphone signal (though I still brought 2! Hehe. Truly mind-boggling, for me, the number of stupid things I do each day). If I wouldn’t have been so lucky, all my hard(?) work would have been only to pay for my phone bill alone. What an irrational and crazy guy I turned out to be. And to think I’m proud to be educated as much as I have been and still I do the most absurd and foolish things I’ve never thought I’d be able to do. I guess that’s the way life goes…

The Night You Txt Me...

Sleep deprivation really takes its toll on my mental state. I can't think straight as I usually do and it feels like I'm feeling a million emotions/sensations right after another. Damn, I even got myself to write another entry into my blog. For whatever reason I'm doing this, better enjoy the ride folks coz I won't even expect myself to make much sense in this (as if I made sense in any other time I tried to express myself).Here goes nothing...

Whatever happens it’s always the games that people play that usually is the reason for much of what happens daily. I know sourgraping ain’t the best thing to be reading about but let me try to say first what I think about this. Only the strongminded shall survive this harsh reality as if you’re not careful, somebody would take advantage of you. I know everything seems to be fine on the outside but just remember this, everybody has hidden agendas. No matter if its good-intentioned or the exact opposite, the smart ones usually have plans for every action they take. The smarter ones are the ones who have a backup and the ones that have more than two fall-back plans are the truly clever, but paranoid, persons. So whether it be some backstabbing action or maybe even a kind gesture, take a step back and analyze the situation for at least a second. I know, common courtesy should always be followed but still it’s never bad to be on the side of caution. Haha, I sound like a conspiracy theory writer. Forgive my ignorant views but I just wanted to get this off my chest. You really never know what is real or not until it is right in front of you. However, that may also be proven wrong…

I really love what my science-oriented education has done to me, it made me the paranoid person I am now. Thanks a lot! Hehehe. I guess I better go back to work now, I’m just not in the mood to write something that's “happy”…

Mudblog

Welcome to another edition of the psychotic, chaotic, and a totally waste of time to read phrases which I have the balls to say is a blog (haha, self-pity again as what my friends would say). Truly I appreciate your effort in reading this as this is, I guess, the closest thing I’ll have to an idea log. (Stop reading my thoughts! Hehe). I’m even having a hard time thinking what to write here though I’ve got a lot to say. Anyway, back to the main reason why I’m writing again.

Not everything in this world is what it seems. A very typical and common thing you’d hear as a warning/advice to anybody who’s very gullible. This has been a kind of a philosophy for me where I’ve derived a lot of other perspectives from. Like “Always follow your heart/happiness first.” I know that sounds like selfish but it would depend on each individual person if this would really be a self-centered credo. If you’re happiness is based on everybody’s well-being, then that would be very selfless of you. “Take everything you get with a grain of salt”, or something like that, is I think an older saying that basically is the same as the aforementioned expression. It basically just tells us that everything you have observed is maybe not the whole truth. It might be just a part of a whole bigger truth, or maybe a half-true half-lie thing, or even it may not be totally be the truth at all. So you always have to be a skeptic of what you have seen, but not to the point that you never believe anything at all. You just have to take into consideration that sometimes man/nature/yourself can play tricks on you so it is better to be grounded and in touch with reality at all times (too bad for schizos). Hey, don’t get me wrong here. I’m not advising everybody to be having their own conspiracy theories, its just it’s always better to have backup plan/s. Always be ready, as the boy scouts’ motto goes. Trusting people and having faith in them is not bad but everyone can make mistakes. One thing or another, freak accidents may occur that’s why it really is always better to have a plan B. Just my opinion.

Back to the subsequent concepts, having an open mind to all possibilities would always be a good trait for everybody to have (at least that’s what I’ve been trained/programmed to think). Openmindedness would help solve a lot of problems the world is facing now. No more misunderstandings between conflicting nations, rich countries would start to think more of how the other people in the world are living, and all the other things we usually associate as wishful thinking for our world’s (not just our beloved country’s) sake. Maybe that’s what beauty contestants should say what they want to wish for.:-) But would this be a really sensible thing to ask for? I’m not talking about the beauty pageant organizers having the power to grant wishes, but I’m talking about changing the world one person at a time. Trying to make people understand that there’s always a flipside to everything. Convincing them their viewpoint is not the only perspective they can see through. If people start thinking less about themselves, even just for a little bit, our planet would be a better place to live in. Everybody’s life would be changed for the better and we’ll all live happily ever after. And pigs will then start to fly… hehehe. So much for wishful thinking.

Back to reality, you have just wasted about an approximately 5 minutes of your time trying to understand the purpose of this blog. Let me tell you the whole point, I really think I need to see her now. Trying to talk to her through a crappy phone line (I can’t even make a connection most of the time!) just makes me more frustrated I’m stranded here and at the mercy of a schedule. I guess I’m looking for ways to vent my dissatisfaction of the situation and unfortunately I have a computer in front of me everyday I go to work. Sigh, how satirical is my predicament. I’m starting to enjoy the sounds of my own frustration…

Well blog

I’ve gone totally mad here! Aaarggghhhh!!!! There is simply nothing to do to have fun here by myself. I can’t play PC games anymore as there seems to be a lot I still got to learn to be a very efficient mudlogger. I can’t watch all the shows I want as I need to sleep to be well rested for another 12 hour shift (tour, pronounced as tower, as we call it) the next day. There’s no way for me to contact in realtime anyone outside Miri, there’s no internet connection in our unit (office) and I don’t have a call card  to use the public phone here to call anyone. I have to go ask our company man (boss) to use their computer just to check my e-mails and have a semblance of an outside connection to dry land. My only hope (shit! seems like I’m singing…) now is for our plea to our senior-workmate/friend to buy us some call cards from the city. Hehehe, for about RM 30 (PHP450) I could maybe talk to you for about 30 minutes, depending on what phone you’re gonna use. So, who knows, if I called you I really wish that it would be a fruitful one as it would be very costly for me. Hehehehe, my cheapskate mentality’s starting to show. Still, as they say, every rule has an exception. If I get to talk to her even for 1 minute, I’d say I already got my money’s worth on the card. Hahaha, corny ko talaga…